Overcoming Unwated Intrusive Thoughts Read online

  Helpful Fact: There is nothing wrong with you, just the way you are dealing with your thoughts.

  This is typical of the notes we receive from people who have read accurate information about unwanted intrusive thoughts.

  I’ve had an anxiety disorder for more than eleven years, and I’ve had intrusive thoughts much of those times. My therapists haven’t had much understanding of them, and as I’m sure you’re very aware, it can be crippling to try to tell someone about them.

  Reading your article on intrusive thoughts, and especially how you clearly stated that they are often violent or sexual, has given me so much more hope. I thought this was my sick, twisted mind—that no one would accept. Seeing it given a name, and written so clearly, is revelatory, and has given me the confidence to seek more help.

  Good help for unwanted intrusive thoughts is hard to find and access. Talking with sympathetic friends or family who do not understand is usually not helpful and can often make things worse. There is no other modern self-help book devoted exclusively to this issue. Even if you are able to overcome fears about disclosing your thoughts, you may not be receiving well-informed help. And, unfortunately, this problem rarely goes away on its own.

  You may have talked to a therapist about your unwanted intrusive thoughts. Or you may even have a diagnosed condition of which unwanted intrusive thoughts are a component. If you aren’t getting relief from your unwanted intrusive thoughts, this book is for you. Not all therapists know the most effective ways to deal with unwanted intrusive thoughts, or you may be hesitant to talk about them. This book provides a unique, practical, working program to lead you to a life that is free from the dread, demoralization, and suffering that these thoughts now bring.

  How to Get the Most out of This Book

  Remember that knowledge is power, and the more you know about unwanted intrusive thoughts, the better you will be able to free yourself from the misery they bring. This book is meant to be read from beginning to end, and we are firmly convinced that you will get the most benefit from it if you do that. We understand that you are anxious to start the process of ridding yourself of unwanted intrusive thoughts. You will start learning how in the very first pages, continuing through each subsequent chapter. So we would like you to consider the initial chapters of this book as the initial steps of your recovery. In fact, you might find that the first few chapters are all you need to get over them.

  Chapter 1 is filled with facts, including the latest information about unwanted intrusive thoughts. Chapter 2 provides a comprehensive description of the various types of unwanted intrusive thoughts. Chapter 3 debunks the myths that contribute to unwanted intrusive thoughts, and in chapter 4, we share the answers to questions that people often ask. In chapter 5, you will learn about how your brain makes these intrusions such a bother. We also show how certain passing thoughts become stuck and then turn into unwanted intrusive thoughts. We explain why your best attempts to cope have been unsuccessful and why many of the traditional anxiety management techniques can actually be counterproductive in chapter 6. Good explanations are good treatment.

  Helpful Fact: Just knowing accurate information about unwanted intrusive thoughts will make them feel less distressing.

  In chapters 7 through 9, you will see specific suggestions for the changes in beliefs and attitude required and the way to train your mind, brain, and body to react in an entirely different manner. Most chapters build on the knowledge base and practical information presented previously. Knowing what you know and applying it systematically will get you over the pain, bewilderment, frustration, and terror that these intrusive thoughts can bring. Chapter 10 is a straightforward discussion of when self-help is not likely to be enough and it is time to seek professional help. Finally, in keeping with our belief that many of us take ourselves and our thoughts too seriously, we have added a light-hearted appendix with a recipe of essentially what not to do about intrusive thoughts.

  Will recovery be easy? Probably not, because you will have to unlearn many unhelpful thinking habits, as well as your automatic emotional reactions to these thoughts and the ways you try to avoid them. You will be learning new, more helpful ways of responding to these false tyrants in your mind. You will need to practice these new ways of addressing your thoughts, as they do not feel natural at first. But we will also explain how to practice, and the ways to retrain your emotional reactions. And, just as you can’t learn to dance by only reading about dance steps, we will encourage you to get onto the “dance floor” of your mind and work out your missteps as they occur.

  Will recovery be difficult? Probably, yes. But consider the alternative and the quality of the life you are living right now. It will not be as difficult as you may think if you truly understand that your current beliefs about these thoughts and what they mean are not supported by what we now know about them. It is not what you think: you are in no danger from weird, scary, and disturbing unwanted thoughts. The answer is learning an entirely new relationship to thoughts, which is being neither scared nor ashamed of them. Gradually, you will learn to tame those bullies in your head and live a life that is free from their torment.

  Chapter 1

  Recovering from Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts

  Recovering from unwanted intrusive thoughts is multifaceted. It begins with knowing what thoughts mean and what they don’t. It involves an understanding of how particular thoughts become stuck and keep repeating. It encompasses an explanation of why your harmless intrusive thoughts feel so disturbing and dangerous. And it means learning to substitute your present (unhelpful) ways of coping with an approach that will train your brain, body, and emotions to react differently. Your goal, of course, is to eliminate the fear, frustrations, guilt, and misery that unwanted intrusive thoughts can bring. Each of these facets constitutes a step on the way to recovery. Each step provides some relief, and all the steps together constitute the journey to recovery upon which we now embark.

  Just about everyone has intrusive thoughts. They are uninvited thoughts that jump into the mind and do not seem to be part of the ongoing flow of intentional thinking. Intrusive thoughts are common, but for most people they are quickly forgotten and create minimal or no discomfort. For someone who isn’t struggling with or worrying about intrusive thoughts, they provide weird, uncomfortable, or even funny moments…and then they are over. Sometimes they startle. Most intrusive thoughts—no matter how bizarre or repugnant—occupy only a few moments. People rarely mention them or think about them again. They are just not worth mentioning (unless they are really funny).

  Helpful Fact: Almost everyone has passing intrusive thoughts.

  Here is an intrusive thought that I had while writing this paragraph: I hope we lose power in this storm so I don’t have to keep working. The thought went winging by, and I made nothing of it. But here is the thing: if I were worried about my mind or my motives or my thoughts, I might be embarrassed to write this. I might worry about what the thought could mean about me. Shouldn’t I be enjoying my work? Does this mean I should retire? Am I getting burned-out? Could I be depressed if I want an excuse not to write this book? Why am I not concentrating? Do I really want to lose power? What is wrong with me that I thought that? Or, I might wonder that perhaps I have received a special message, and my thought means that I really am going to lose power, in which case, I should probably go get candles right now. Instead, I do nothing at all. The moment passes. It was just a thought not worth even considering what it means. I go back to writing.

  There are times when anyone can be reminded of a previous intrusive thought and shake his or her head, Oh I remember that this is the elevator where I had that utterly weird experience of thinking that I was going to suddenly shout out an obscenity. Sometimes—for a while—elevators and thoughts about shouting out obscenities get temporarily stuck to each other. One is associated with the other. It means nothing. The human mind just makes associations like that automatically. The experience, while strange, is unimportant and
goes away.

  An unwanted intrusive thought starts as just an ordinary intrusive thought, weird, funny, or repugnant as it may be. But not wanting the thought, worrying about it, or fighting with it stops it from passing quickly. Chances are, you don’t want it because you are upset or turned off by the content. But that is just the beginning. Because you worry about it, reject it, and try to push it out of your mind, it pushes back and becomes a recurring thought or image. After a while, it starts to redirect your attention: It starts arriving with a “whoosh,” and feels awful, disgusting, or dreaded. It contains an urgent feeling of needing to get rid of it. The content of many unwanted intrusive thoughts is aggressive, sexual, taboo, anxiety-provoking, or self-derogatory. An unwanted intrusive thought sometimes feels like an impulse to perform an unwanted action. Other times, it feels impossibly stuck in your head. Your efforts to deal with it become all-encompassing and take up so much time, mental energy, and focus that your quality of life is degraded. Unwanted intrusive thoughts tend to recur repeatedly and seem to increase in intensity over time. Eventually, along with an increase in the frequency and intensity of the thoughts themselves, you might start to doubt and fear your own safety, intentions, morality, self-control, and sanity.

  Natural Voices of the Mind

  Our mind has many natural voices, and their interplay makes our mental lives interesting and colorful. We can all identify an internal critical voice that stands guard, issuing judgments and comments, most of which we would never say out loud. We also have voices that monitor feedback from others, check on our physical well-being, calculate how much time we have left to finish a task, and let us know what we are feeling when we tune in. There are many more. The voices are natural parts of our mind as we divide up the tasks of the day, make choices, and adapt to the demands of daily living.

  In the case of unwanted intrusive thoughts, there are three voices that are particularly relevant. Their messages and interactions work to maintain the problem. By providing distinct examples of these voices, we hope to make it easier for you to observe these same processes in your own mind. And this will help you make the fundamental shift in your relationship with your thoughts that relieves the distress.

  So we introduce you to the voices that we call “Worried Voice,” “False Comfort,” and “Wise Mind.” As you proceed through this book, we will present a variety of dialogues and commentaries involving these voices. Each of these voices sends messages that are consistent with its name. We will help you understand how best to relate to them when they pop up and intrude into your mind.

  Let’s start with Worried Voice, the voice of frightening imaginings. Worried Voice is the voice of “What if?” Worried Voice articulates the fears and doubts and misguided conclusions that predict tragedies and awful outcomes. This voice can seem irrational, ridiculous, even perverse, or downright crazy. Sometimes Worried Voice issues strange or urgent warnings. It interrupts, annoys, scares, and talks back. Worried Voice raises anxiety. Worried Voice is often the first voice to react to an intrusive thought or new sensation.

  Next is False Comfort. False Comfort invariably follows the “What if?” of Worried Voice. False Comfort is disturbed by these questions and tries to remove the discomfort. We call this voice False Comfort because it never achieves its goal. It often gives brief relief and the illusion of rationality. But it does not ultimately silence Worried Voice. In fact, it does the opposite. False Comfort almost always triggers yet another what-if or doubt from Worried Voice. False Comfort is actually so disturbed and frightened by Worried Voice that it continuously tries to argue, control, avoid, suppress, reassure, reason with, neutralize, or work around whatever Worried Voice comes up with. False Comfort tries hard but ultimately fails to lower anxiety. It often gets angry at or ashamed of Worried Voice and wishes it would just go away. It is afraid that some of the thoughts that pop up in Worried Voice indicate craziness, danger, annoyance, perversion, being out of control, or being disgusting. When unwanted intrusive thoughts happen, Worried Voice and False Comfort invariably launch into a back-and-forth argument. This is the commentary that is part and parcel of every unwanted intrusive thought.

  Helpful Fact: Your commentary, in the form of the back-and-forth arguments between Worried Voice and False Comfort, can be the most distressing aspect of your unwanted intrusive thought.

  Finally, we welcome Wise Mind, who watches the constant arguments between Worried Voice and False Comfort from afar, saying relatively little. Wise Mind is calm, unimpressed, and unaffected. It knows Worried Voice can’t help itself and that False Comfort truly thinks it is helping. However, Wise Mind knows that False Comfort is actually spurring Worried Voice on, keeping the process going without realizing it. In contrast, Wise Mind is disentangled, free of effort, and accepting of uncertainty. It is curious and sometimes even amused by things that upset the others.

  Wise Mind demonstrates mindful compassionate awareness. Mindfulness is a state of open and active attention to the present, moment by moment. It involves the experience of observing your thoughts, feelings, and sensations without judgment or evaluation. A mindful attitude is made possible because there is a part of you that can stand back and look at your experiences—in real time—with perspective. We will show you that a mindful attitude is enormously helpful in ridding yourself of unwanted intrusive thoughts, and we will explain how to apply this attitude when needed. Here is an example of how the three voices react to a thought:

  Worried Voice:That kitten is so cute and vulnerable. What if I strangled it? It would be so easy.

  False Comfort:You would never do that!

  Worried Voice:Look—my fingers just fit around its neck.

  False Comfort:Don’t be ridiculous. You are kind and loving!

  Worried Voice:How do you know that? I had that surge of road rage yesterday. What if I can’t help myself?

  False Comfort:You just felt angry; you didn’t do anything. Just stop thinking that. It won’t happen.

  Worried Voice:There is always a first time, and I wonder if there is something sick inside of me. Why else would I have such a thought?

  False Comfort:Just think about something else. Let’s get away from the kitten. This is crazy! You are thinking crazy thoughts.

  Worried Voice:So you think I have crazy thoughts?

  Wise Mind:Let me step in here, please. These are just thoughts. I watch the two of you fight. I’m observing your commentary. I notice the more you argue, the more upset you get. And the more it seems like a real issue that needs attention. It is actually a wild intrusion of a thought that can happen to anyone and essentially means nothing. What would happen if you just let them be? Let them remain as thoughts.

  Helpful Fact: Observing and letting go of your commentary will go a long way toward gaining some relief from your intrusive thoughts.

  Why Thoughts Get Stuck

  A psychologist named Daniel Wegner (1994) studied the phenomenon that he called the “ironic process of the mind.” Another psychologist Lee Baer (2001) called the same process the “imp of the mind,” referring to a short story by Edgar Allen Poe entitled “The Imp of the Perverse.” The phenomenon is that when you try not to think of something, you end up thinking about it even more. It’s ironic: your mind can be quite impish! Here is a simple way to experience this process:

  Exercise: Observing Your Own Ironic Process

  This demonstration will take less than ten minutes, and it consists of two parts.

  Part 1

  Set a timer for two minutes. Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and pay attention to what you think, feel, hear, and smell. You may think about anything you want—anything at all—except for one thing. Under no circumstances should you think about carrots. Not the word carrot, not the smell of carrots, not the taste. Nothing with carrots in it—no carrot cake, no carrot salad, and certainly no Bugs Bunny! It might help to stay away from the color orange as well. Now start the timer, and do your best to keep your thoughts away from carro
ts.

  After the timer goes off, ask yourself how well you did. Now, most people will report that they failed to be completely free of carrots. The effort to not think about carrots backfires. In fact, the effort itself is doomed to failure. The more you try to rid your mind of carrots, the more insistent the thought becomes. So trying not to think about carrots is a form of thinking about them.

  Part 2

  In this portion of the exercise, you will set your timer for five minutes. Your task is to try to keep your mind completely free of carrots for five minutes. As in the first part of the exercise, sit comfortably and give yourself permission to think about anything at all except carrots. Start the timer, and each time you think of carrots, you must reset the timer back to five minutes. Your task is simply to go five minutes without thinking of carrots. Be honest! Ready, get set, go!

  Now look at what happened. Most people report that they think of carrots after just a few seconds, so they reset the timer. But then it happens again, and the timer is once again reset. After a while, the task starts to seem impossible. You become frustrated, annoyed, and even angry. And each time the thought comes back sooner and sooner. Almost no one is able to go five minutes, and so you end the exercise with the timer still ticking away.

  But let’s look at what you have done. You have created a “stuck” thought! The content of the thought is carrots, which is about as uncontroversial and non-upsetting as can be, but that thought has become stuck in your mind. You really couldn’t care less about carrots one way or the other. It is your attempt to follow the assignment that has now created all those thoughts about carrots. Your attempt to control your mind has backfired. The simple truth is that what you resist tends to persist. This is the basic paradox—the ironic process—at work in making unwanted intrusive thoughts so persistent. Thoughts stick because of the energy you expend to fight them. Your assignment was to fight the thoughts, but they fight back!