Overcoming Unwated Intrusive Thoughts Read online

  Varieties of Intrusive Thoughts

  You are now going to read about the many different types of unwanted intrusive thoughts. This chapter includes some very specific and explicit examples. You may find that reading it might trigger increased anxiety and distress because you have put so much effort and energy into trying not to think these thoughts. But we know that whatever temporary upset you might feel, finding your own particular variety of unwanted intrusive thoughts will be extremely helpful.

  We give specific examples for several reasons. You may be so ashamed or afraid of your unwanted intrusive thoughts that you have never expressed them to anyone. Or, you may have spoken about them indirectly, leaving out the details or putting them in more acceptable terms. There is nothing shocking to us about these thoughts—we know they are harmless. But unless we go into details, you run the risk of believing that your own particular thoughts are different, more serious, or more odious, or even worse, that what we are saying does not apply to you. So we invite you to find yourself in these pages and know that you are not alone. If reading these examples makes you uncomfortable, remember that the goal is to find a path away from your suffering, and there are times that you will need to accept some additional discomfort in order to make that journey. Finding yourself in these descriptions will be a huge relief because we are talking about good, sane people—people who are suffering from these thoughts, who are not crazy, perverted, or dangerous.

  Second, there are some people who don’t realize that they are having intrusive thoughts. They only know that they feel terrible about ideas, impulses, or certain aspects of their character, just like one of our clients who said, “Whatever it is, it must be the product of a majorly twisted mind.” We would like you to recognize your own particular issue in this chapter and to say, “Bingo! That is me! That is what happens! That is my problem! Now I know I’m not alone, and I can do something about it.”

  These examples were provided by people who are just like you. Good people, gentle people, kind people—but people who have stuck thoughts that cause them pain. As you read this chapter, pay attention to your own feelings. You might feel scared, disgusted, repelled, skeptical, or even perversely fascinated. Or you may feel relieved as you put your own thoughts in perspective. Any of these reactions and feelings are to be expected and are okay. Take your time. Go at your own pace.

  If you are worried that you can catch someone else’s intrusive thought, it may help to know that people tend to stay in their own categories, although they may wander a bit from one specific content of intrusive thought to another. We have heard people say they would happily trade their kind of unwanted intrusive thoughts for some other kind that seems on the surface less awful. But they are all awful to the person who is having them, and they are all functioning essentially the same way in the mind. One is no more reprehensible, meaningful, or important than another. Remember that there is no danger in reading this chapter, only discomfort and possibly a lot of relief.

  Morally Repugnant Thoughts

  The first types of unwanted intrusive thoughts are about things that are morally repugnant. They include harming and self-harming, sexual, impure religious, and disgust-causing thoughts.

  Harming and Self-Harming Thoughts

  The most common morally repugnant thoughts are of harming, either yourself or someone else. Part of the misery of having these thoughts is that your thoughts often center on harming innocent, helpless, or beloved individuals. And the self-harming thoughts are both frightening and bewildering because there is no conscious, intentional wish to hurt yourself or others.

  Here are some examples of harming and self-harming unwanted intrusive thoughts.

  My daughter saw a scary movie about the Columbine killings, and now she keeps having intrusive thoughts about killing her friends or family members with knives. She wants all the knives in the house hidden because they scare her so much. She is the kindest, most gentle person you could ever know, who loves and cares about every person she meets. The thoughts are obviously causing her a great deal of anxiety because she is afraid she is going to act on them.

  After Sandy Hook, I started thinking that I wish my child were there. But I love my son, and why would that thought even occur to me?

  I can’t go out on balconies because every time I do, I have the thought, What is stopping me from jumping off? I could do it right now. I get completely panicked, especially if the railing is low and I could actually climb over it. Do you think I am secretly suicidal? I don’t even feel depressed.

  Every time I see a rope or even something that I think might be a rope, I have a sudden image of myself hanging from a hook in my bedroom. Why is this happening? I can’t make it stop.

  After I had the baby, I was afraid to pick her up because I kept thinking I might drop her—or even God forbid—throw her out the window or down the stairs.

  Forbidden Sexual Thoughts

  Forbidden sexual thoughts are also common and can include thinking about sexual relations with relatives and children as well as unsavory or extramarital relations.

  I’ve been having horrible obsessive thoughts that I can’t let go. They are always hanging over my head, even at work. It’s making my anxiety terrible—I wake up with a pounding in my chest because I know I’m going to be having these obsessive thoughts all day, and they’re just so awful. I can’t even watch TV because I feel like a pedophile, but I would never do anything to a child or anyone for that matter. I’m really scared. What if I am a pedophile?

  For some bizarre reason, I had the thought, What if I were attracted to my brother? Now I can barely look at him and won’t go to the beach with him because I am afraid to see him in a bathing suit. He knows I am avoiding him, but of course I can’t tell him why.

  I am happily married, but I keep thinking about having sex with this man I spoke to once while I was waiting for the bus. He isn’t even attractive. Does this mean I don’t love my husband?

  Impure or Blasphemous Religious Thoughts

  These can be particularly painful because the people who have these thoughts are sincerely spiritual, religious, good-natured individuals. It is initially difficult to see that trying to banish these thoughts is actually a distortion of religion, not the practice of religion.

  When I am saying my prayers, I get the feeling that I am not in the right frame of mind and that God can tell I am not really believing what I am saying. So even while I am praying, I find myself thinking about sinning, and the sins I am thinking about are getting worse and worse. I pray harder to get my mind off the topics, but then I hear blasphemous things in my mind. I think I am being punished for a past transgression, but I do not know what it was, and I cannot pray for proper forgiveness. So I am praying more and more. I fear my soul is lost. I tried to talk to my minister, but he did not seem to understand.

  As I was entering church a few months ago, I suddenly thought, You don’t really believe in God; who are you kidding? Now I am doubting everything I ever believed—even what is right and wrong. My priest says even the saints had doubts, but I can’t stand this.

  When I am in a holy place like a sanctuary, especially if it is quiet, I start feeling as if I am about to shout out hateful things.

  Disgust-Causing Intrusions

  These are thoughts that bother and disgust you, and take away from pleasure in life or the anticipation of pleasure. They usually occur when you engage in something pleasurable. These can include the belief that you will think about sex with your parent when making love to your girlfriend. As a result, you avoid doing the pleasurable act.

  I know I’m a lesbian. I want to have a girlfriend and be part of a relationship. But every time I imagine kissing a girl and getting sexually intimate, I get the thought in my mind about having sex with my sister. It’s a terrible thought, and it keeps me from having the relationship that I want.

  I suddenly get the thought that I’m going to imagine having oral sex with my mother when I’m hooking up with a
girl. I have to somehow neutralize that thought or else I’m afraid it will ruin my performance. I get so worried about it when I’m with a girl that I get drunk and almost blackout. Most of the time the girl drops me, and the few times I’ve actually hooked up, I couldn’t remember any of the details.

  Whenever I am in a restaurant, I have the sudden image of someone spitting into my plate just before they bring it to me. I know it is ridiculous; I think I saw this scene in a movie years ago, but then when the food arrives, I can’t eat.

  One time my girlfriend said she hoped my penis couldn’t break off. I know she was joking, but I am so upset at her for saying that, I can’t get it out of my mind. It has ruined everything.

  My dog licks her private parts and then licks my daughter. I can’t stand it, and I can’t stop thinking about all the germs and secretions that are getting on my daughter.

  “Big Issue” Thoughts

  The next type of intrusive thought falls in the category of big issues and involves continual episodes of trying to answer questions about these issues that are essentially unanswerable. The most common ones involve the questions of uncertainty and lack of guarantees in life, the nature of reality, the purpose of life, and how can you know if you really, really believe or feel something. These questions seem really important and almost always involve questions with many dimensions and no definite answers.

  Uncertainty and Unknowability Thoughts

  Being unwilling to accept that we cannot know or guarantee the future leads to this kind of preoccupation.

  I have to know my kids will be safe. How can anyone live without this? I can’t stand even the thought that something could happen to them.

  Questioning Reality

  It is one thing to have a truly philosophical curiosity about the nature of reality and quite another to be extremely upset and constantly preoccupied by such questions that do not have clear answers.

  What is the nature of reality? How can I know if your reality is the same as mine?

  I can’t get it out of my head that this actually could be a shared illusion, everything we think is reality could be a mental projection, and there is no way to tell. I am stuck on this, and I keep trying to find a way to prove it.

  Purpose-of-Life Thoughts

  Some people have intense and persistent trouble knowing we will die and the implications of that. As a result, they feel compelled to repeatedly address this question every time a thought about it pops up.

  What is the purpose of life? Is there an afterlife; what if there isn’t?

  I don’t understand how people live knowing they will die and not knowing what happens after that. I want to believe in heaven, but I really can’t make myself believe it. So if this is all there is, we should spend every minute in a meaningful way, but I can’t figure out the point of all of it. I have been reading philosophy and religious writings and talking with people who seem to have found peaceful ways of living with this, but I can’t stop thinking about this and feeling lost. I am thinking a psychotherapist could have insights into the purpose of life. “This is all meaningless” keeps popping into my mind. Maybe it is true.

  Questioning Beliefs

  Our minds are filled with inconsistencies, ambivalences, and constant change. Some people find this very disturbing and continually search for certainty.

  What do I really believe or feel about this?

  I have this friend whom I spend a lot of time with, and I really love her. But sometimes she really annoys me, or I don’t feel like calling her back. But then when I see her, I am always upset with myself for having been angry at her because she really is a wonderful person. Maybe I am really jealous of her—or maybe I really am threatened by her because I am not as nice as she is—because I keep having these thoughts when I am not actually with her. Do you think I am deceiving myself? Maybe I should not spend as much time with her? Or should I tell her when she annoys me? But that would upset her…

  Nonsensical Thoughts

  The third type of intrusive thoughts are ones that seem nonsensical, require rigorous mental checks when there doesn’t seem to any reason to do so, or involve incessant doubting.

  Losing-Your-Mind Thoughts

  Some intrusive thoughts just seem utterly ridiculous as they whoosh into the mind for no apparent reason. They often feel like products of a mind on the edge of sanity. They are not.

  Some thoughts are so bizarre, and I’m not even sure where they come from. For instance, I will be on a train, and I will have a thought that I will start licking the dirty passenger window. Or when I clean my pet’s drinking water I have a thought that I will drink the soiled water. These thoughts really bother me because I feel an impulse or strong feeling like I am going to do them. It’s like I am pushing myself not to react.

  I broke a glass in the kitchen and cleaned it up. But now I am having thoughts that shards of glass are everywhere. I know it is ridiculous, but yesterday I threw out an unopened container of pudding that has been in my fridge because I had the thought there could be glass in it. I am losing it, aren’t I?

  Sometimes for no reason while I am driving, I get the thought that I might have hit someone and that person is lying dying in the road. I try to think back if I heard or felt anything, but I just can’t be sure. It takes everything I have got not to turn around and go back over the route I just traveled. I tell myself it is just a thought and that there is no evidence, but I still keep doubting myself.

  Mental Checking

  This occurs alongside the feeling that something just doesn’t seem right and that you need to check that out.

  While I am reading, I have these thoughts that I am not actually understanding what I am reading, so I have to go back and repeat the sentence to see if I really understood it. It makes reading excruciating and slow, and sometimes I just give up. I think there is something wrong with my reading comprehension.

  After I leave a phone conversation, I often have the thought that I might have insulted someone without realizing it, and then, even if I know it isn’t true, I have to go back and reconstruct the entire conversation sentence by sentence and try to remember the exact tone of voice to make sure that everything is okay. Then I start having even more thoughts that something subtle was wrong, and I can’t figure out exactly what happened.

  Doubts About Relationships

  You fear that your intrusive doubting thought is an indication of something being or going wrong, despite little evidence to the contrary.

  I am full of anxiety about my relationship. I have become obsessed with the question of whether I love my partner for the right reasons. I am overcome with fear even though I know I love my partner, but my brain is going crazy. I shake and just want to cry. I have read about ROCD (relationship obsessive compulsive disorder). Is this a real thing?

  I honestly believe that my husband is faithful to me, but I keep thinking that I do not actually know what he is doing for many hours of each day. I try to keep myself from checking his pockets, his cell phone, and his e-mail, and from asking him for details of his day when I know the reason I am doing this is to make sure he is not having an affair. If his eyes follow a pretty woman or he is nice to a waitress, I am flooded with doubts and ask myself stupid questions like “Does he actually know her?” and “Why is he being so pleasant?” I am driving myself and him nuts.

  Scrupulous Thoughts

  These involve judgments about yourself or others in action, intention, or character. This category includes both religious and nonreligious preoccupation with your thoughts about right and wrong and judging your or someone else’s attempts to be totally pure, good, kind, fair, and giving.

  My younger sister just got engaged. I tell her I am happy for her and say all the right things, but secretly I am really jealous of her and can’t help thinking that I should be the first one to get engaged. I am such a bad person; I want to be generous, but these jealous thoughts won’t go away

  When I say my prayers, I feel as if I am ju
st saying them automatically, and I think I do not have a feeling of worship, just the words.

  I have such privilege, and I know I am not doing enough for poor people. I give to charities and at church, but I can never tell how much to give—I think I am never giving enough. I know I am not Mother Teresa, but I am always thinking that I am selfish if I buy something I don’t need and that I should just give away all my money. I always feel guilty if I overeat; someone else is starving, and I am getting second helpings. It makes it hard to enjoy anything.

  Sexual-Orientation and Sexual-Identity Thoughts

  These types of intrusive thoughts center around the fear that you might possibly be living a life that is different from your true sexual identity or orientation. Your thoughts are not like those of people who are truly trying to explore their sexuality. They are filled with terror, not curiosity, alongside an urgent need to know and to know for sure. Perhaps you are upset by your thoughts, even if you believe that it is okay to be straight or gay, but that does nothing to calm your fears. You are bewildered by these thoughts because they just don’t fit with what you know about yourself. These thoughts preoccupy you.

  What If I’m Really Gay?

  Often this begins with a sudden whoosh of an upsetting thought that seems contrary to what you have always assumed about yourself.

  I am having a terrible time thinking that I am attracted to my roommate. He is straight, I thought I was too, I have a girlfriend I love, but I feel like I just am going to ruin our friendship by confessing I am having these feelings, and then he will never be comfortable with me again. I keep testing myself to see if I really am attracted to him. I even tried to look at gay porn to see if I liked it, but that did not settle anything for me. That made it even worse. I can’t get this out of my mind.